When I was 17, I remember standing in the kitchen, arguing with my parents about something. My dad was yelling at me, I told him he probably wouldn't even care if I tried killing myself, he said go ahead and do it. So, I grabbed for the nearest utensil in the dishwasher and started to try and stab myself. Thankfully, it was a fork, and once I realized that I sunk to the floor, crying and bawling.
It was then that I was sent to a therapist, and found out I had depression. Not just feeling down, but genetic chemical imbalances from my mom's side. I was put on medication, went to therapy, things were swell for a while.
Growing up, I was a bit on the bigger side. This naturally made me a prime target for bullying. I was bullied from grade school all until middle school. Hell, there was some bullying and name-calling in high school too, even though I slimmed down a lot. This is how "fat" I was in high school:
Enter my ex-fiancee. Dated for over a year, was engaged, engagement broke off but still a couple, relationship broke off but still friends with benefits, that was broke off and eventually she ended our friendship. The night she did, I cut myself on my left shoulder. I still have some scars from that, the one and only time I have ever done that.
Now enter my last relationship. Meet a girl online, she's amazing. Our first date is filled with boggle and perversion, a fun party at a friend's, and kissing underneath the stars. Second date she talks about possibly having my babies. 5th date, we're snuggling watching a show, and the main character sees her dead husband in an old video and cries. She turns to me and tells me to "never die." 3 days later, she ends the relationship because I was too clingy.
Singing wasn't very well received on the reservation. You had to be a sports star or traditional, anything else that was excellent was considered weird or, my favorite, "faggy." I was in choir for 3 years of school, drama for 4. I definitely received my fair share of dirty looks and people in the hall calling me a faggot.
Why these random short bursts of moments in my life? To show you all how I view myself. I am trying, don't get me wrong, and I've made some great strides in these past 3 years. Yet I don't think of myself as anything special, because of my self-esteem. I don't think I'm amazing and that all the women are missing out on me, because I haven't been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, and every time one of them ends it's because of me. Each and every time, I become more and more paranoid that the person I'm interested in is going to screw me over, and usually push them away even though I don't want to. I feel like that now, like I'm just pushing everyone away even though they are there for me.
I can hear all the compliments in the world, receive all the flirts in the world, be told all the kind words in the world. Yet until I can finally start to see that myself, I'm locked into the mindset that I'm not great or deserving of anything. Sadly, the last time I was truly happy was 2 and a half years ago, when I was in a relationship. Until I'm in one again, I fear that I won't be happy or content, and that scares me.
