Woot...

This blog was created because I don't wanna spam Twitter.  Basically, today was a culmination of EVERYTHING that's gone wrong in my life since last Aprilish.  It's not the blame of anyone, it's not because of anyone, it's all because of the way my brain is worked so everything is on ME.

I'm quick to fall in love with people.  Have always done this since I can remember falling in love.  My therapist once told me that when I love someone and appreciate someone, and they show any little interest back, I immediately give them my heart.  Of course this is very problematic, as most people don't want that or aren't ready for it.

I've also been really down on myself, even while school is going great.  I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I'm not smart enough, I'm not charming enough, I'm not entertaining enough, I'm not enough for ANYONE, let alone someone I could be in a relationship with.  I've had underlying thoughts of suicide for months, and today I was pissed.  Pissed because I have too many reasons to not kill myself, when it would be easier if I didn't.  If it wasn't for my family right now, I would have probably picked up some medication from the store and done something horrible to myself.

So yeah, that's what I've been feeling and dealing with today, and probably will for the foreseeable future.  I will go from being completely fine to an absolute mess multiple times, especially in the course of one day.  This is why I'm going to a therapist, so I can find out what the hell is wrong with my line of thinking, and hopefully fix myself.

Opening Up

This will probably be the most real I get on this blog post, and the most open I've been.  Basically, I'm in a BAD bout of depression right now.

When I was 17, I remember standing in the kitchen, arguing with my parents about something.  My dad was yelling at me, I told him he probably wouldn't even care if I tried killing myself, he said go ahead and do it.  So, I grabbed for the nearest utensil in the dishwasher and started to try and stab myself.  Thankfully, it was a fork, and once I realized that I sunk to the floor, crying and bawling.

It was then that I was sent to a therapist, and found out I had depression.  Not just feeling down, but genetic chemical imbalances from my mom's side.  I was put on medication, went to therapy, things were swell for a while.

Growing up, I was a bit on the bigger side.  This naturally made me a prime target for bullying.  I was bullied from grade school all until middle school.  Hell, there was some bullying and name-calling in high school too, even though I slimmed down a lot.  This is how "fat" I was in high school:

As you can see, not very fat at all.  Yet because I was bullied, because I was picked on, and because I had chemical depression(unbeknownst to me), I thought I probably looked like I was 400 pounds overweight.

Enter my ex-fiancee.  Dated for over a year, was engaged, engagement broke off but still a couple, relationship broke off but still friends with benefits, that was broke off and eventually she ended our friendship.  The night she did, I cut myself on my left shoulder.  I still have some scars from that, the one and only time I have ever done that.

Now enter my last relationship.  Meet a girl online, she's amazing.  Our first date is filled with boggle and perversion, a fun party at a friend's, and kissing underneath the stars.  Second date she talks about possibly having my babies.  5th date, we're snuggling watching a show, and the main character sees her dead husband in an old video and cries.  She turns to me and tells me to "never die."  3 days later, she ends the relationship because I was too clingy.

Singing wasn't very well received on the reservation.  You had to be a sports star or traditional, anything else that was excellent was considered weird or, my favorite, "faggy."  I was in choir for 3 years of school, drama for 4.  I definitely received my fair share of dirty looks and people in the hall calling me a faggot.

Why these random short bursts of moments in my life?  To show you all how I view myself.  I am trying, don't get me wrong, and I've made some great strides in these past 3 years.  Yet I don't think of myself as anything special, because of my self-esteem.  I don't think I'm amazing and that all the women are missing out on me, because I haven't been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, and every time one of them ends it's because of me.  Each and every time, I become more and more paranoid that the person I'm interested in is going to screw me over, and usually push them away even though I don't want to.  I feel like that now, like I'm just pushing everyone away even though they are there for me.

I can hear all the compliments in the world, receive all the flirts in the world, be told all the kind words in the world.  Yet until I can finally start to see that myself, I'm locked into the mindset that I'm not great or deserving of anything.  Sadly, the last time I was truly happy was 2 and a half years ago, when I was in a relationship.  Until I'm in one again, I fear that I won't be happy or content, and that scares me.

Update Part Deux!

So this is where I currently stand as far as casting goes.  I am currently set up with my PC in a small dining room in a 1 bedroom apartment that belongs to my future roommate.  In the other room(the living room) is where I'll sleep, and also where my roommate's girlfriend is currently located as she watches Breaking Bad.  This will probably be how it is when she isn't in class, so casting with a microphone will be sporadic until sometime next week.  My friend(future roommate) is back home in Browning for a week, and when he gets back we will be looking to find and move into a new place ASAP.

So if you see me saying a sans microphone cast, and I don't cast as much, now you know why and the reasons behind it.  School's going great though :D

One Hectic Crazy Week...

Even as I type this now I can feel the exhaustion all over my body, some physical but mainly mental.  I guess we should start from the beginning...

So got a car on Tuesday, that was exciting.  That was after a 2 hour drive, after which we drove another 2 and a half hours to this vacation rental which was outside of Missoula.  The main reason we did is my uncle's stepson(I think of him as my cousin) is heading to the University in Missoula for his freshmen year, so my aunt/uncle/cousins all came up from my mom's side, and we spent the day visiting and telling stories, very fun.

However, my roommate was supposed to head to Missoula that day, and I didn't hear from him, so that wore on my stress a bit.  I finally got a hold of him and found out he was coming up the next day, so I took Wednesday as an excuse to spend more time with the family.  Visiting by the river, playing Pinnacle, eating grilled food my uncle made, even going to Missoula for an excursion.

The next day my mom had to leave by a certain time, so we went to my roommate's apartment.  After waiting 40 minutes and telling my mom to head out(I wasn't even sure if I would have a bed at this point), he finally came out of the shower and we started talking about what we were up to.  Apparently his girlfriend's sister and brother were going to be staying in their current 1 bedroom apartment until Tuesday.  I could have stayed there, but I'm just getting set in my ways and didn't want to share a room that I would sleep in with 3 other people, as the sister's boyfriend was also there.

Afterwards we went apartment searching for a good 6 hours, which was draining itself.  Found a couple of nice places though that weren't too expensive, we're gonna still be looking around though and hopefully get a place by next week.

So last night I checked into a hotel because of the previous reasons, and was ready to keep paying a hotel money every night just so I could have some comfort sleeping.  After waking up early this morning and taking care of stuff at the financial aid office(still only half done with everything there), I decided to head home for the weekend so I wouldn't be wasting money at a hotel room.

So, that's the story.  I didn't have internet at the vacation rental, nor did I have internet at the future roommate's house.  He called it in to be worked on but the earliest without someone else cancelling their work order would be Monday.  That's why I'm home, not because I want to be, but because of forced necessity.  I'm still frenzied and not at ease, so if you see me on Skype or something feel free to talk to me, I'll need it.

RuckusCraft Donation Options

1 Month:

3 Months:

6 Months:

12 Months:

Chatia is Weird for Putting Salt in Her Coffee

That is all.

Upcoming 2012 Games

Note: This post was mainly made for the WPG team members to catch up on big games coming out this year.  If you do enjoy the read I appreciate it.

Devil May Cry HD Collection - April 3rd (360/PS3)

-Includes all 3 Devil May Cry games with achievements and HD graphics.

Xenoblade Chronicles - April 6th (Wii)

-This RPG has had some troubles coming to the states, but after the highly successful Operation Rainfall, it's finally coming stateside to the Wii.

Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings - April 17th (360)

-Highly anticipated port of The Witcher 2 for the 360.
 
The Walking Dead: The Game - April 30th (PC/360/PS3)

-Based off the hit AMC show "The Walking Dead", this game is made by Telltale games(Back to the Future, Jurassic Park, etc) and will focus moreso on the story and decisions you make rather than action.

Diablo 3 - May 15th (PC)

-A highly anticipated hack and slash dungeon crawling MMO that many have been waiting for years to see.

Max Payne 3 - May 15th (PC/360/PS3)

-The original Max Payne games were action noir with bullet-time, and in this sequel re-imagined, the focus will be more on the action aspects of the game.  With Rockstar helming the project, it will be interesting to see where it goes.

Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Future Soldier - May 22nd (PC/360/PS3)

-Originally scheduled for release back in the 2009-2010 fiscal year, Ghost Recon: Future Soldier is finally coming out in May(bar any more delays.)  A First Person Shooter with squad based gameplay in the style of the previous Ghost Recon games, set in the future.The Last Story - June 19th (Wii)

-Another highly anticipated Wii RPG, this time from director Hironobu Sakaguchi who headed up a lot of the Final Fantasy games.



Darksiders 2 - June 26th (PC/360/PS3)

-The original Darksiders saw you play as War in a game that drew similarities to God of War for it's combat and Legend of Zelda for it's puzzling adventures.  In 2 you play as Death, with even larger maps and more to do than the first.

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater HD - June 30th (360/PS3)

-A downloadable game that has a new engine for the 360 and PS3, featuring maps from the first two games and half of the soundtrack from the first two games(the other half will be new music.)

Borderlands 2 - Sept 18th (PC/360/PS3)

-The sequel to the highly stylized and somewhat addicting Borderlands, this game features 4 new characters, cameos from the first game, and guns...lots and LOTS of guns.

Bioshock Infinite -  October 16th (PC/360/PS3)

-An undirect sequel to the previous Bioshock games(earlier time period in different setting), this first person shooter is on the top of many player's most anticipated lists for 2012.

Assassin's Creed 3 -  October 30th (PC/360/PS3)

-Yes, another Assassin's Creed game is coming out annually once again, but there is some hope.  First the game has been developed for 3 years, plus there is a new setting.  The new setting may not be everyone's cup of tea with the American Revolution, so it will be interesting to see how ACIII holds up to it's action-adventure predecessors.

Resident Evil 6 -  November 20th (PC/360/PS3)

-Another Resident Evil is coming, and is continuing the action type game that RE5 was even farther.  Once again, it will be interesting to see how this change of direction works in keeping current RE fans and pulling in new ones. 

Tomb Raider - Fall 2012 (PC/360/PS3)

-This will be a reboot of the classic franchise action adventure platformer, featuring a more realistic Lara Croft and game world.

X-COM: Enemy Unknown - Fall 2012 (PC/360/PS3)

-A remake of the classic X-Com game for RTS fans, not to be confused with the re-imagined XCOM(figured to be released 2013.)


Halo 4 - Holiday 2012 (360)

-Microsoft's huge franchise returns with a new trilogy and a new developer in 343 studios.  Set after the events of Halo 3, Master Chief returns once again as the main hero in this FPS.

Ni No Kun- Winter 2012 (PS3)

-An RPG from developer Level 5 and Studio Ghibli, this is a highly anticipated port from Japan, with wonderful art design and music from Ghibli mainstays.

What I'm Up To

It's been a while since I posted a blog post in here, and since Twitter has a character limit, thought this would be the best place to post.

I am having a hard time with depression right now.  Not in the sense of that I feel sad and I'm super emotional, but more so in the sense that right now I'm not really interested or excited in anything, including video games and streaming.  This is why I haven't streamed the past few days, and why I'm not going to stream for at least the next few days.  I just don't think it's conducive for me to force myself to stream when I'm in a funk like this, as it's not enjoyable for the viewers or myself.

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be back streaming sooner than later, and I'll still be around JTV/TTV lurking in your channels.  Just need to take care of some issues before I head back full steam into streaming. 

Love you all for the support and kindness you've shown me over this past year <3

Ed

Follower Milestones and Celebrations

As I sit here watching the Gaming 4 A Cure marathon(which you can watch right now until Tuesday, February 21st at this link), I'm reminded of what a crazy almost year it's been on JTV/Twitch (a story for another time.) As I gear up for a "cast til I pass out" for 5K followers on March 2nd, I would take a look back on the follower celebrations of the past, near future, and beyond.

100 Followers - Beatles Rock Band Story Mode in One Sitting on Expert Guitar/Bass and Vocals
This was a pretty simple event, and also my first follower celebration of any sort.  This was also the first cast I ever did a game-themed channel design.  At the end of this accomplishment, I sang Blackbird while sick and with my first shitty mic.


Watch live video from Bringing the Ruckus! on TwitchTV
250 Followers - Rock Band 2 Endless Setlist 2 in One Sitting on Expert Guitar
To date, this is probably still one of the TOUGHEST follower celebrations I've done.  Not only was I playing this on Expert guitar, the setlist is roughly around 5-7 hours to play, and with some minor carpal tunnel my hands were almost dead by the end of it.  To day this remains one of my proudest accomplishments on cast.

500 Followers - 40 Hour Merry-o Thon
When this cast started out, it was only meant to go 24 hours.  What happened was a 40 hour marathon that included many great moments and is STILL my favorite cast to date.  There were many awesome moments, and this is still one of my favorite highlights with what can only be described as a laugh orgy.


Watch live video from Bringing the Ruckus! on TwitchTV
1000 Followers - Failed Attempt to Beat Dead Space/Dead Space 2 on Hardest Difficulties in One Sitting
I say failed attempt because the original goal was to beat both of these games back to back in one sitting, and mainly due to poor planning I had to give up on Dead Space 2 around Chapter 7.  I eventually beat Dead Space 2 (and later one sat Dead Space 2 on Hardcore on it's own), but I want to eventually beat both in one sitting back to back...

1500 Followers - Portal 1 and 2 Back to Back in One Sitting
From a pure gameplay perspective, this was probably my favorite series to cast back to back for a follower celebration, the Portal games hold a very special place in my heart, and to play them both was simply amazing. 

2000 Followers - Custom 50 Song Endless Setlist
This could probably be considered my second favorite appreciation cast, especially since everyone picked amazing songs and it was so great to play songs picked by people I hold dear to my heart on Twitch, and to explain why they mean so much to me.

2500 Followers - Dead Space 2 on Hardcore in One Sitting
Title explains it all.  Moving on.

3000 Followers - Multiplayer Weekend Extravaganza
Although this didn't quite go exactly to plan, it was still fun to celebrate this milestone by playing video games with a lot of my viewers, including a hilarious co-op run with Chatia12.  Despite getting people to join on console day, the rest of it was great and I had a wonderful time.

3500 Followers - EddiePwnNoobzRuckus
Ghetto cast, enough said XD


Watch live video from Bringing the Ruckus! on TwitchTV
4000 Followers - Uncharted Trilogy in One Sitting
Although the Dead Space casts and Endless Setlist 2 were hard because of the difficulty, this is definitely up there as one of the hardest celebrations I've ever done.  Up to this point whenever I did an impromptu marathon or a marathon over 16 hours, I usually had people on Skype to help me stay awake.  This time however I forged on without anyone in my ear yelling and cheering me on, and somehow I was able to accomplish all of it in 25 hours.  This ranks right up there with the Endless Setlist 2 as proudest accomplishments on cast go(not to mention my one sits.)

5K Followers - WhateverTheFuckIWannaPlayAThon
On March 2nd, I will be donning the marathon and celebration robes once again to ring in another milestone on JTV/TTV.  This time I will be trying to break my own personal record of casting for 40 hours straight, playing whatever games I want and see fit.  A few special things planned, and I cannot WAIT for it.

7500 Followers - Custom Setlist Extravaganza (75 songs)
Another version of the 2K follower cast, but this time with 75 songs.  Should be fantastic :D

10,000 Followers - The Last Hurrah
This will be the final celebration milestone for followers on Twitch(maybe 25K, we'll see.)  I will still do marathons and special events, this will just be the last one tied to follower count.  Dead Space 1 and 2 in one sitting, possibly more.

Life Update

Well it's been a while since I posted in this blog, might as well make it interesting bringing it back from the dead.

So here's the deal: I'm getting sick of living in a small town, where the only friends I know are those type of friends who are content with staying home and never going out to do anything, like watch a movie or visit a larger town.  There's only so much my friends from the net can provide me with in terms of social interaction(though I appreciate it a LOT), and so I've made a decision: I'm going back to school in Missoula.

I've gone to school at Missoula before, but at the main campus.  I would probably go into the IT associate program and, if grades are well, transfer to a larger school to get my bachelor's in IT or something similar.  However, since the PELL grant is limited in the amount of semesters you can use it, I am going to stay on the safe side and not go to school this semester(Spring 2012.)  Obviously means more time for casting which is a bonus, but yeah, I wouldn't want to be in a situation where I only had one semester left of college in Missoula and I couldn't afford to pay for it due to not having a PELL payment(which would help not only with tuition, but room and food.)

So yeah, a little update on my life, hope you enjoyed the short read :P